Week 16 – Kindness and Anxiety

So this is the week we’re noticing kindnesses….and it’s been a neat thing – not just to notice all the kindness around me, but also to know there are a bunch of people in my mastermind doing all this too….I just so love the class and I Loved Mark saying this week that this journey we’re on doesn’t end….which is true, of course – I just love the class and the support and watching everyone grow and share etc and all the inspiration. It is such a lifeline to me.

My favorite kindness happened today – when my mom called, though she had bad news, and when my toddler son came up to me tonight, unasked, no words, to hug me. So sweet.

Sadly I have been also preoccupied w/anxiety over my mom, who today was told she now has bradycardia, first time ever. After researching it sure explains all her symptoms – severe fatigue, dizziness, just feeling lousy, period. It even mentions that her brain may not be getting enough oxygen which would explain why she forgets things sometimes – because despite her age she is usually pretty sharp. She’s supposed to go see a cardiologist but I’m not sure if she will. She doesn’t have insurance….and she doesn’t like doctors. And she told hers, she’d rather die than get a pacemaker. Of course today everything was a bit of a shock……and I Know being all alone is not easy.

So I have definitely decided to go see her again, soon. I had hoped to wait until March, but now I don’t think that’s a good idea. The bummer will be, that will make joining the webinars not impossible, of course, but harder. Hopefully though, my precious little boy will be asleep by 10pm and I alert at that time. And I can find a kind, reliable baby sitter to help so I can focus on my mom…

I sit here, typing and my heart is racing with anxiety. It’s never been easy being far away from my mom but this fall and winter it’s been the hardest….I’m also sad about all that’s going on with her, or that she’s going through. Friends say I need to focus also on my own family, but it’s harder…I do of course what’s needed but I do feel distracted. I am so thankful for all the readings, because while I still feel anxious, I also feel comforted by the words.

I pray so much that somehow my mom’s heart is beating too slow because she’s needing more electrolytes and will get some good help soon and her condition will indeed improve….and that God will grant her more time here, too.

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Week 15 – I am enough now

So it’s January 1st and this is the earliest I’ve written a blog in a given week yet. And it’s bc I am sitting here and re-listening to some of the videos in the MKMMA and I’m so inspired by some of what Mark says. It’s just SO amazing. The stuff he says.

Tonight, this one concept hit me in a fresh way….about how I am enough. I don’t need to chase after something outside of me to feel enough, worthy enough – and worthy is something I have not felt very much. It doesn’t matter if I reach whatever goal I set…..what matters is what’s INSIDE me. Happiness is an inside job.

“If you’re not enough now, you’re not enough then” – is what Mark said. And so so true. Now we are in week 15 and I am not new to this concept, but somehow, reaching me at a deeper level. I feel like it’s setting me free…in part because I’ve set these unrealistic goals, or feel guilty for being behind schedule in my “life plan”, due to a variety of things. But if I’m enough NOW, it doesn’t matter – I can set myself free from the unrealistic expectations of my past, because I am enough NOW. Anything beyond here is just icing on the cake. I don’t need to do or achieve anything to finally feel ENOUGH.

I am enough now.Β 

All I have to do is believe Frederick Andrews’ words…..to make the decision to believe thatΒ 

I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy.Β 

I am part of What and Who created me, just as my child is part of me, too. Wow. Mark’s words are amazing.

I also LOVE his reiteration of some of last week’s MK lesson: Thought is the only reality, conditions are outward manifestations, and so if I change my thinking, so will my conditions in life. If I want to change my life, I need to change my thinking based on whatever purpose I want to pursue in life…ugh this is so good.

I will post another blog, I hope, later this week, since I am all but reiterating Mark’s words, but I just HAD to. In part for you guys, and in part for ME….because I just don’t wanna forget:

I am enough now.Β 

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Week 14 – Scroll 2 Bubbles Up :)

So with the holiday week upon us, we were traveling and it was super stressful because my hubby ended up getting quite sick with a terrible cough that kept up my son and me for most of the night….ugh.

I took a picture of my index cards, because I figured I would lose them somewhere. I lose them in my house, even, because they go along with me, even though I have like 2 sets inside the house, one for each floor I’m on a lot. And I’m so glad I did, because it meant I had them with me whenever I had my phone. And it turns out I really needed it this week. It was so encouraging to have these wonderful words written out on paper/the phone.

Through a long series of events, I ended up getting chewed up by someone over some of the most dear and important choices I make in my life, and also told by that same person how things like sleep apnea, which I have bc I have narrow airways – are just phobias, and that I’m just imprisoned by Satan. That “they” don’t believe I have this issue, or any other, and should just “stop it”….and see “the truth”. And that I am an unfit mother because of this….and other things I don’t even want to repeat.

it just happened yesterday and when I think of it, I’m still shocked at it all, even if it was said in the heat of emotion – and also with my toddler next to me, ugh. It was difficult although I am thankful for it all, because it taught me a lot about that someone, things I didn’t see before.

But the coolest part about this I alluded to in the title: As I was getting “chewed out”, after a minute or two, I realized, this was going nowhere “healthy”. And immediately, scroll 2 bubbled up from deep inside me, and I kept thinking and even said out loud once or twice, “Love is my shield“…..that was really good.

It made me think, my subby must be starting to change πŸ™‚

I also saw a number of red circles. I see them more and more. At the elevator in the hotel, red circles for “you are here”. Right now, first time in 14 weeks, red circles with numbers on the left of this screen I’m typing on now. And even in traffic signs, while traveling, a red circle denoting a stop sign – picture is dark….but you can see the red circle:


On my mom front…nothing new really, just more of the same sadness, as my mom is much less able to get out or walk, or if so, with great difficulty – the hospital stay seems to have taken a lot out of her, still though cold winters are never easy. I am praying to gather the funds to see her soon, and that she will find some more strength again, by some miracle. I know she is sad, and knows it’s hard. She’s been crying on the phone some too, which breaks my heart. I wish do she would be open to some help….


Anyway, see you next week πŸ™‚

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Week 13 – Effortless shopping and the power of “good enough”

Another busy week – right before Christmas – and another week I worry about my mom, who still seems so weak to me, and has nausea and has not yet gone to the doctor, sadly. So much going on but I wanted to share one or two cool things I noticed this week.

Our dishwasher has been making noises at the start of a cycle – well getting louder than normal. It just entered its teenage years so we were wondering if it needed help and sure enough, the appliance guy said the motor and pump are starting to be affected. He recommended the purchase of a new one. I didn’t like that idea at first because the DW still works well otherwise, and I’ve been anxious about messing with the system because I fear water damage in any new installation. Then it turned out that we can only use short dishwashers because the people who lived here before put in ceramic tile and even cut into two tiles to fit the current one. And then we figured out that there is probably moldy residue that the DW has been incapable of flushing through fully for some time – perhaps due to my obsession with healthy cleaning products of all kinds? When I thought about that I knew I wouldn’t want to use the DW again bc mold is my arch nemesis. My body genetically is unable to detox biotoxins such as the ones stemming from mold anywhere. I told my husband, we didn’t need to get a new one now, but I’d rather hand wash our dishes till we did, with his help (I do the shopping, planning, cooking, he does the dishes). So he agreed.

What is new for me is that normally I get all flustered and anxious when something breaks or needs replacing. We had to invest so much money into my health, and fast rising health care premiums, and a move, over the last 8 years, due to mold or bio-toxin illness, that any new “thing” just adds to my stress. Not this time, not about this. I was just like – OK. We will fix it one way or another, and we are going to be OK, no matter what.

The other “thing” is when anything needs replacing, I usually research and study the best prices, the best machine, and it takes a lot of time. Well, not this time. This time, I asked the repairman, what company he recommends to install it and he referred me to a store in Arlington, VA. They get great reviews, have been in business since 1946: http://www.glebeappliances.com. Well, coincidentally (or not?) today I had an appointment less than half a mile from there and stopped by this store afterwards. A small business, I got to talk to the owner who patiently answered my questions, and placed the order for a DW that would fit our space without having to cut into the tiles again. It’s not the “best” one out there, we will hear the machine, but it’s just fine enough for us, and it’s a reasonable price too. And the installation guy is supposed to be very, very good – which is very important to me. Within less than 30 minutes, I was in and out of there. I did speak to Dabney on Tuesday afternoon a little, too and had talked to my husband about his suggestion, but that was it. I decided to go with what fits, looks good and seems “good enough“, and not do a bunch of research. This must be the quickest transaction of a pretty big purchase I’ve had.

It felt awesome. It felt right. It felt different because as I said I usually spend a lot of time researching, etc. It even felt FREE somehow. And so nice to talk to real people, right there, because the installation guy, Rob, happened to be there too. Yeah, I’m bummed we have another expense now but I want to trust that all will be well, even with our finances. And, I got to support a local, small business to boot…..and I love small businesses, since I run one myself πŸ™‚

Whew. I’m at 700 words so I better leave the second cool part to the next blog. If you read all the way down here, thank you! And Happy Holidays to you….

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Week 12 – Green grass grows

This has been another very stressful week. The readings and exercises have become an anchor in addition to a lifeline. I find myself craving them, even if I am not perfect at them, still.

I do feel some change in me. Although I am still quite worried about my mom, pray for her, use the wonderful affirmation, and hope to visit her in the new year, I have more desire to redecorate our house – not just in terms of shapes but in general, to the point I actually took action in our kitchen this week. This is a miracle to me bc I’ve been wanting to start it for some time. I didn’t even do much but enough to make me feel happier every time I’m in the kitchen now. It’s not a big kitchen, but I use it a lot as I cook most meals, and from scratch. And it’s inspired me to do more, yay!

I also love seeing the shapes around the house. I’ve been really drawn to them this week, probably because I need them so much. I want to put up more – with my own writings on them, other than the goals….I love passing them by. And because I walk around a lot in our house, it’s so good to have these written reminders.

I didn’t get much sleep this week because my son got a cold and had trouble sleeping, so I did too. And i’m already sleep deprived, ha. Sadly the bad fatigue didn’t help me be kind to my son when he used a pen to paint all over my favorite chair….and I yelled at him. Ugh. I did make me want to do the exercises even more….

On the cool happenings front, I received some precious, unexpected gifts this week. A friend offered to watch our son while my hubby and I went to his work Christmas party – first time we were away from him at night. He did really well. And I ‘won’ an essential oil blend that I love in a little raffle on Facebook – and I never win anything, LOL. (To the contrary – I have lost a bunch of things in the last couple years, most significantly, my engagement was stolen, I strongly believe by a contractor we hired but never got it back). To the next person this may not be much, but I celebrated these precious gifts. I am indeed in the dynamic flow of giving and receiving! πŸ™‚ and green grass is growing at the end of the desert, indeed. Good night!

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Week 11-In spite of the sting of the blade

We are in Scroll 3 of the Greatest Salesman this month and I am quite inspired by the words of the picture in the beginning of the chapter specifically…about the courage a bull being assessed by how many times he’s willing to be pricked with the lance – similar to us.

I’ve sure felt pricked a lot this fall….and before too, but especially this fall, because I guess my mom’s struggles affect me more than other things, because I love her so much. That and the fact that I’m so far away, and can’t easily visit her as I did when she was younger and I wasn’t a mom myself yet. And because it’s the holiday/Christmas season now, it’s even harder to think that she is alone. And I’ve had a big realization that I’m addicted to sadness – my peptides, anyway. I’ve found myself wishing this week that my mom was younger, stronger, in less pain, with a stronger immune system and body, even able to travel here – as she did when she was younger. Of course it’s silly in a way because I can’t turn back time. But I can pray for her, and I can keep saying that wonderful phrase “My mom is whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy”. And I can call her, or let her call me….which she is doing, though also less than she used to. But she loves to hear my son’s voice, speaking to her in either German or English, as he’s adding words in both languages, and so I try to focus on the things to be thankful for.

I love Og’s reminder in this scroll of how the rewards of our journey may come at the end, not the beginning, and so I’m encouraged to persist. On this front, and some others in my life. I did complete a big project I started some months ago, and it felt great to complete it. A relief that will open up more time for other things like my daily exercises and pursuing my DMP.

I also enrolled my little boy in his very first little class, away from me, 90 minutes twice a week. And he surprised me with how well he did – never cried, just focused on playing with the kids, and toys like musical instruments and dinosaurs. Like me, he started out shy, but the second day, the teacher said he did speak :). Someone is definitely growing up….

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Week 10 – The 7 minute mental diet

It’s week 10 and I’m a day late with my blog. I couldn’t log into my account last night when trying to write…I tried for an hour. I realize now I should have just given up after 15 minutes because the problem was I wasn’t logging on with the correct login-screen (I have one for my business and one for the masterkey).

In a way I’m not surprised considering the rough week it’s been. Still quite preoccupied with my mom, trying to help her long distance by arranging help with shopping, which is not easy bc my mom doesn’t like to be a bother – though she really isn’t – but I finally managed to get her to tell me what she needed. Still so weak and discouraged but pushing herself. She really seems to want to be alone a lot, which breaks my heart. I had bad anxiety this week, and I kept saying the wonderful affirmation “My mom is whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy.” And due to some wonderful commenting on my blog last week, I feel better and better about saying it FOR her. I also felt a deep sadness all week, as I was thinking about how my mom has become weaker and weaker over this past year, and less and less wanting to even talk on the phone with me. And we used to talk an hour daily, without issues, and she’d tell me whatever she did that day, what parts of Berlin she rode through on the bus. Many times I’d come home and there’d be a message from her on the answering machine (we still have a landline). We still chat almost daily now, just a lot shorter, and I’m never really ready to stop when she is already. πŸ™

So I realized this week, how badly I have been at the 7 DAY mental diet. I can barely manage seven minutes!! Hence the title for this blog post. I will keep starting over…I know one day I’ll be better.

In other ‘news’, this week I also started seeing a deeper shift away from older habits and into new ones that support my health – even simple ones like drinking enough water again (a struggle since I became a mom), eating a real lunch (not just snacks); true health is one of my PPNs. I am also craving the readings and exercises much more – perhaps because the situation with my mom is so hard for me – and they continue to be a lifeline. This week I realized I need to rethink some of my routines, especially in the morning and evening, so I can have more structured/set times for doing my readings/rehearsing. Friday morning was the best morning I had in terms of having a little quiet time, without being interrupted by my family, and my whole day looked different because of it. I am not good at taking time for me yet, ever since my son was born. I am changing that though, slowly but surely.

Thanks so much for reading.

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Week 9 – Frederick Andrews’ affirmation

This was another rough week and once again I am worried about my mom. She’s home but still needs time to regain some strength and her sleeps has been hard…and her medicine needs adjusting as well. My worry is about her being discouraged, feeling lonely and not really wanting help, still, because she doesn’t want to be a burden. I do need to pray more and trust God to strengthen her.

Thankfully, this week’s MK reading is another wonderful one, as always so much treasure to be found in each key. The ones that touched me most were the ones sharing the story about Frederick Andrews, and his affirmation that goes like this:

“I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy”.

I have said it many times this week, and will continue to, first thing in the morning and last thing at night…I know it by heart by now, though I quite often would say “I am whole, perfect, strong….” though I’m getting better at the perfect being the second word.

One thing I hope and pray so much is that Frederick and/or Haanel are right when they say that this wonderful sentence also works when we say it for other people, and so I am wanting to say it for my mom.

Have you said this sentence to yourself? If so I’d love to hear about your experience!!

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Week 8 – The Gal Staring Back

This has been one of the scariest weeks of my life. My mom had to go to the hospital, first time since my birth, and I was never so scared for her before. My mom does not like a fuss made about her, or accept help, or trust in doctors much. She has a big spirit and in her 20s she once escaped the hospital while there for a party – jumping out of a window!

But the hospital was 100% what she needed, and without going into further details, I know she appreciated everyone’s help – even if she couldn’t wait to go home. She is older and at first when she started to improve she was actually mad that I called for help for her. But I knew all along it was the right thing. I was anxious at first, when I called for help, but deep down, I knew it had to be done. Even if she didn’t like it, or me, for doing so.

My mom is a true warrior. She had a tough youth, lost her mom at age 7 to puerperal fever after childbirth, and her dad died behind the Berlin Wall of cancer in his 70s, and she didn’t see him much in his last years. Other tragedy touched her but she always moved on, always listening to her heart and inner voice. She doesn’t understand all the science we are learning in class, but she knows what is best for her, when she’s not so sick she can’t get out of bed to answer the door. Or the phone.

When she left the hospital, the staff told her no cab would take her home bc she had no money on her – when she was picked up by the emergency services, she had no chance to take a thing with her. And when I offered to organize for someone to bring her some things, and her wallet and purse, she vehemently refused. She happened to find some change in her jacket pocket and took a bus home. I am so sad the hospital told her this, because I know a cab driver would have walked her up to her place, in exchange for a nice tip for the extra service and the ride home. I know bc I’ve asked for similar help before. Instead, she walked home the block and a half from the bus stop. Because she was still weak, she took a long time. Once home she left a voicemail for me saying “so you see it worked” (I was very adamant about arranging help and money from here, all of which she rejected). No doubt I was more upset about it than she was, though she was to a degree too, because she didn’t even have a cellphone to call a cab for herself. The cool part is, her neighbor ran into her at the corner and helped her all the way back home to her apartment.

I am still worried for her as she really needs to accept help at home, she is getting older and less able to move around and I hope and pray with some time and several people ‘working’ on her she will come around.

No matter what, my mom is my biggest example of the gal in the glass…she has never cheated herself, and she can look herself straight in the eye. And more and more, so am I. God knows I wish I was in Germany right now and could give her a hug, or make her a meal. Or do anything else that might help….

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Week 7 – Visualizing the positive

So we’re already in week 7 and the Master Key is helping me refine my vision of my life. Trouble is, right now I am worried about my dear elderly mom, who lives alone in Germany and who most likely has a kidney infection that she was just a bladder infection.

She’s been there for over a decade and I have worried about her before but today it’s harder because she said she was too weak to see a doctor but, true to her very independent nature, did not want me to send one over to her.

So now it’s the near the usual end of my evening but tonight I am struggling badly with anxiety; so much it’s hard to envision anything or read much of my homework.

I am trying so hard though to envision her lying in bed (it’s the middle of the night there) and resting and healing and waking up this morning, able to get out on her own, getting ready and taking a cab to the doctor’s office. OH how I dream of her middle of the night wake up where she’d call me or let the phone ring here to let me know she’s up and about for a minute to pee. She’s done it in the past….

Wednesday is usually when I create my blog post and I am struggling to come up with anything more inspiring to say. I am so sorry to anyone for reading this….but if you did, thank you!!

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