Author Archives: Ilona

Week 24 – Danny’s gold in the mind, heart and hand

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Week 23 – The Labor of Life

Week 23. Just one more to go in this amazing experience. I’m excited and sad and have already decided to do everything I can to keep taking this class. I feel and know I still have so much to learn, to exercise, to implement, and above all to manifest. And the lesson this week was, as always, so timely and spot on for where I am.

Haanel says we cannot reach perfection in six months, it is the labor for life, and that encourages me so much. I have already decided to start w lesson one after the class finishes Bc I so need all the wonderful wisdom.

The idea that thought is creative, success is an effect not a cause, and that I must keep up my mental diet, and focus as much as possible on what I want is just so important for me. I am absorbing it all more and more, and I want it to become more and more part of me, my subconscious. It has been, but I want it to go even deeper.

I feel in a way I have been spending far too much time thinking of sorrow, loss and discord. And reaping results. Even while wonderful things like the birth of my son, getting married or my mom getting a pacemaker are happening. Not 4 months after my baby’s birth the landlord of our rental house cancelled our lease even though we had signed an 18 month contract Bc they wanted to sell it. I was so sad Bc I loved the rental house, I had given birth in it (a big dream come true, and one I was envisioning during my first MKE experience!) and kept feeling sad, sowing sorrow and reaping it ultimately. For different reasons we ended up buying the house, miraculously, but also were treated terribly by both our realtor and the landlord/seller. We allowed both to take advantage of us, neither were fair to us, and we still stayed. I still love the house for various reasons, but I still get sad when I think of the whole transaction. Though it’s getting better thanks to the mental diet and the work I’ve been doing. I just wish at the time I was more able to apply all the knowledge of this class, but somehow I didn’t. I know I was terribly exhausted and overwhelmed, not sleeping enough w everything going on. And then, literally the day after we closed, a contractor who came by himself highly likely stole my beloved engagement ring out of my bedside table, where I had foolishly stored it, while not wearing it to protect my baby from accidentally scratching him with it. I foolishly never thought anything like it could happen. I know I never moved either of my two rings, there wasn’t a break-in, no neighborhood thefts had been reported. It could have only been him and I had had a weird feeling when this guy came before with the big crew to work on a leak shortly before this day. Thankfully he left me the wedding ring, so I have something to put on my finger…I just wish so much he would return the ring. He never responded to calls by police and was fired from the restoration company shortly after the theft.

I share all this Bc in my heart I so believe that my sadness and thoughts of sorrow helped bring these losses or outward conditions on. Now if only I can do the opposite – and bring the ring back w positive thoughts 🙂

But even here I am encouraged by the law of compensation and hope one day there will be compensation for all this…

that said, my goal now is to be more positive as the day we have to fly home and away from my mom  is drawing closer. Such a bummer, to go back to being far away from her…while I miss my husband and friends, and while I’m so tired from all the work here, it’s been such a gift. One that I will be forever grateful for.

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Week 22a – Mastering my emotions

It’s been a strange week. My mom’s stitches were removed, and she has been diligent about taking blood pressure meds now, which she wasn’t before, but she still isn’t feeling great, and sadly, reverting back into some negativity which is hard for me to handle bc I have been so tired. Not that it’s ever easy.

This months scroll about the mastering of emotions and especially the part where he meets a potential client in anger have been quite encouraging in helping me think of my mom in a new light.

fact is she is scared of this new thing in her body and has to be careful still what she does. Plus I’ve had to start planning my return home as she is getting better, and I cannot stay forever though I must confess I have never felt this split in two Bc I wish I could stay though I also miss my husband and home and the life I want to create.

Sadly she still isn’t open at all to having help, not even twice a month, say, for going shopping which is hard for her. Right now I do nearly all of this and I wonder if maybe sometimes she forgets that I won’t be here forever.

I am quite concerned about her ability to plan things ahead and think about what she really needs. Until now she always did what she needed, and would get upset when I asked the neighbor to get her a couple groceries which he did happily/ this was after her hospital stay.

But I want to stay positive and focus on the things to be thankful for – like her miracle decision to get a pacemaker, and that she is now sleeping less during the day, seems to have more energy, even a little, despite her terrrible continuing back and knee pain from arthritis. And to feel a normal pulse again when I check it.

I have been plagued by worries about money bc the costs for the trip are adding up even w some support from my mom. And yet I want to trust at a deep, deep level that as I manifest my DMP more and focus again on building my business, I will be able to earn it back – and then some. Because clearly supporting my elderly mom in this way must be in harmony wth the Universe, right?


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Week 22 – Anxiety and relief

So surgery came and went…and I was super anxious, but thank God all went well. My mom is still weak and tired but I am so thankful. 

Feeling her pulse after the operation made me tear up. I had felt it be so low all the weeks I’ve been here and it was scary.

During the operation I was also incredibly nervous. I was so aware of it and ended up walking around outside w my special shoe on my left foot in 20 degree weather but I needed it. My mkmma affirmations also spoken for my mom helped me. When I got back and sat in the waiting area I saw her being wheeled back awake and felt so very relieved.

Learned lots about who to talk to because  one doctor scared me while the main doc was super nice and positive. Makes such a difference. Also made me switch her cardiologist from the one she saw once to another in the same practice who is supposed to be nicer and kinder than who we saw.

My son came through the week ok. Still coughing and more tired but I’m so thankful for him. Now if I could just get some rest.

I get anxious when I think about returning to the states. I dream of convincing my mom to get help. It would help me so much knowing she has some assistance, even for going shopping now and then…


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Week 21 – Visualizing miracles

So we had a long wait for an appointment w a doctor at the hospital so my mom could ask about the pacemaker. Turns out the wait was worth it Bc she decided to do it and this Monday I am praying and visualizing she will have a successful and smooth implantation of the pacemaker.

This will be her first procedure since her C-section to deliver me.

When I think about it all I get scared…but visualizing the outcome I want for her is definitely helpful. Also to imagine my toddler being ok with away from me a few hours – more than normal or what he is used to….I still haven’t decided whether to have him w me in the hospital or drop him in a daycare where he hasn’t been. So many things to think about, decide and plan. Definitely not easy juggling many things at once and yet I am so thankful to be here.

i have to squeeze my readings and exercises in where I can. I am grateful I have memorized a lot. I need to do more work on the BPB….

My foot is still not back to normal, but I am ok w it by now – which is progress too and I’m thankful for sunshine whenever it appears. I do need to visualize warmer weather 🙂 as it won’t get much over 30 degrees next week.

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Week 20 – The secret of the power of creative thought

What a week. I am still walking around the halls, rooms and streets with a big ugly shoe on my left foot but I am accepting it more and more as I am looking forward to walking normally again.

I am also missing my home and the milder weather there compared to Germany and better sleep not interrupted by my precious little boy’s cough which he still has and which adds to my fatigue and losing my temper eat times.

But the Master Keys just keep getting better and going deeper for me. I see over and over how much I need them.

So the secret of the creative power of thought is that we are in Him and move in Him and have our being in Him, and we are made in His image, He is in us as we are in Him, we are made in His image. The only difference between us is size or degree – we are the same in kind and quality Bc we are a part of Him. How cool is that?

The crazy part is there is so much treasure in these and truly in all the words we are studying, it’s so so easy to miss it if we just read it. This thought hit me this week and I so badly want to chew on and assimilate it more deeply in my spirit.

I have this deep desire to spend more time w my mom, to have my mom have a chance to live more on earth. She has serious issues and badly needs a pacemaker. So far she has been against it,  it and yet, the last few weeks I have been here, she has made some miraculous choices like getting a 24h ekg and seeing a cardiologist which she was recommended to do years ago, and didn’t. Tomorrow she will go to one at the hospital she was referred to about the pacemaker. She wants to ask questions to figure out her next steps. I am afraid of the doctor being critical or pushy – the other one kind of was – but I want to keep thinking and visualizing the whole thing going ok. And then I do and I get scared of the surgery. What could go wrong, will she be willing to get checked if she does it? She keeps going back and forth and shares all her worries and distrust of all things medical.

So much is unknown. And yet I so badly want to think positive thoughts. Focus on what I want. Remember that these desires surely must be on harmony w Universal Mind.

Same goes for our lodging. The hotel I’m at is booked for two nights next week and I love it here for many reasons. I waited too long to lengthen my stay. I keep hoping these two nights will indeed open up, still, through someone’s cancellation. A part of me is fearful Bc I don’t have much desire to pack up our belongings and move. So I try to remember that I am whole, perfect, wrong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy. And that all will be well. Somehow…

Thanks for reading all the way here!


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Week 19 – May each day be better than the last

Wow so talk about perfect timing. I broke my toe as I later found out last week on January 31 and then February 1 we start the next scroll….talking all about not regretting things from the day before, making each day count and so on. And boy did I need to hear that. I was so so sad for a couple days but these words were and are so helpful in letting go of breaking my toe and instead focusing on healing and getting even a little rest. I even created my own little affirmation for the toe for when I meditate, lay in bed or riding buses….and it feels good.

My feet are perfect and full of strength.

I couldn’t go see my mom for a few days but did go w her to the cardiologist who at first visit was nice but when it came to discussing results of her 24h ekg just sent her to the hospital doctor. I was so proud of my mom to do this – she said without me she wouldn’t have gone. But it was rough for me bc the doc also made some responsible for her making the choice to allowe a pacemaker to be installed. So far I have not been able to. She desperately needs it and could feel better but seems afraid. She has severe bradycardia and this, probably causing the bradycardia. Continue reading

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Week 18-Hurt toes while trying to give

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Week 17hj – Kindnesses and struggles

So I am visiting my mom now; crazy week with flying and packing and forgetting some things but we got here ok. I am super tired and caught a cold but it’s ok.

I see lots of kindnesses still, each day. I see some contrast too- like the cab driver I asked to take me to the grocery store on the first day bc I was too tired to walk to the bus – he complained and said I should walk.

But the kindnesses prevail…from the very nice people on both planes we took, the people we met waiting on the airport, a woman offering to watch my toddler while I pick up some cold remedy, my mom being thankful for the food I’m bringing, the cardiologists office who is happy to answer my questions on a Friday afternoon. And of course many folks who open doors in so many places as I try to steer my toddler in the stroller, which I always appreciate so much.

Tough to see my mom frail and I can only pray she’s willing to take the doc appointment I set up for Friday w the cardiologist. Definitely tough being an only child and trying to reason with her…I don’t know how much or little she realizes she needs some support on a regular basis. And a pacemaker.

Its times like these I so badly wish I had more family, somehow.

I am so grateful for the mke- it continues to be a lifeline, especially the exercises and the gal in the glass…



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Week 17 – Praying for good timing and a healing miracle

Much to say this week but no peace to share. I will say, the MKE is a big lifeline to me.

Ever since the hospital my mom has been much weaker – it really affected her. Her heart seems to be getting weaker and weaker and being so alone of course doesn’t help at all. After 2 months of saying I Shouldn’t come and spend the money she is finally more open to it.

I am terribly worried about her, and today she slept so long – fell asleep in armchair last night for 2.5 hours, then in bed for 12 till like 1140am, and then fell asleep at 6pm till 8pm now. She knows it’s not normal and I am worried her heart is failing. I hope and pray we make it there….and can support her somehow.

I am trying so hard to replace my anxiety and fear with courage, based on the law of substitution but I must not be doing such a good job.

If any of you read this today, or soon, would you pray for my mom? That her heart would be sustained. And that she could experience comfort and encouragement somehow, until I get there. We need a miracle, for sure.

Thanks so much. I hope to write more later….

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